Feelings of Loneliness & Anxiety

       It's been awhile since I last wrote, but I have not been feeling good at all in the last three plus months, but I will try and type what I feel in this moment right now. So after twenty years of living in my home, I will have to be moving, and that has given me a lot of anxiety, because I will be moving away from everything I have known, where I have grown up, places I know and my best friend. Granted my home is not my first home, when I was fifteen years old, I moved from my childhood home in Riverside California, and my feeling back then was that of a deep sadness too, even if it was not that far from from my old home, it was still a shock and a cut off from all my friends. This time, I will not have the option to even visit my old home, and my best friend will be gone from real life, and making new friends as an adult is not as easy as it is when I was a lot younger, and the few new friends that made were all through Yu-Gi-Oh playing at locals, which was my way to socialize with different peoples, and the support groups and shops who I knew and had good ties with will be gone too, they were now just good for business but they were also friends.

        So with this move I am basically losing my whole world that I knew, and stepping into a new one, in a world that has gone half mad and is on its way of going completely mad. I wish I could stay. The idea of moving has also made me realize how lonely and isolated I am too. I never had a girlfriend or at least dated anyone, so I never got experience having a someone to love, share intimate feelings and just be content around them, A fact that has stuck with me as a feeling of shame or lacking as a human being, and so since I never had anyone like that I have as had to deal with my feeling on my own in one form or another, to keep myself in check and maintain that, even if I was lonely and sad, I never wanted to hurt anyone or anything, and that if I suffered, at least I was not hurting anyone, or degenerate into someone that hurts other just because they are bitter at the whole world. 

        Right now I still feel awful, sick to the point that I only eat once now in a whole day, and I am just afraid of everything. I don't have any feelings of hurting myself, but being awake always hurts now, and I want to cry at any given moment, and when I sleep have dreams of walking to nowhere, hard to remember but that is a detail I recall. 

        I don't know when I will write again, I am not going to make that promise again, because no matter how much I try, I cannot write when I do not want to write, at least not consistently. This blog has been around a long time, and I have come and gone with it based on my moods, because I always thought it was nice to have a diary, and I tried to have one in real life and it never worked out, and having one here, I guess this will be something where at least it says "I was here" even if it was for a moment.

Recommended movies: Runaway Bride and Good Will Hunting

Dollow Rlance

December Endings

       Before the end of the year, I am going to write up some of the things for December that I have been feeling for the whole month now, and just leave there. I will not be able to get all of it, because some of it will make it into other posts that I want to do. I need to write more and more often, but if I am not feeling, I will not do it, but since I did two posts this month that is progress, I would say for a moment and that is enough for now.

        

Hell Let Loose

    Another post that was written and almost never made it to released. I do that with this blog, where I write a lot and never post it for others to read, but I made a promise to myself to post more here, because I know no one will read it.

    Today I am going to talk about a game that I have been playing for almost two years now called  "Hell Let Loose" on my PS5. It is a World War II FPS multiplayer World War II game, its squad base so there are classes that have different roles to do and can be done, a lot building weather it be a spawn point for your team or bunkers to defend a point, you can even play in a tank that requires three people to operate it. I started it because I had rewatched Saving Private Ryan, my favorite movie, and wanted a game set at that time, but I did NOT want to play Call of Duty, and my friend talked about it all the time so I gave it a try. Months and months later it was a great time, guess because it was new and I had something consistent to play, met some people in the game that were cool and some that were not, but overall I do love it, but it could be frustrating at times. Playing Officer (Sometimes called Squad Lead) is a fun time but I am not always in the mood to play it, and lot of other players play it and they are not as good, weather it be because they do not know how to build a spawn point (an outpost or garrison), or they do but other team mates do help by playing Support and dropping a box. 

    The game is hard to learn and takes many hours to master, and lately I found myself sometimes having to "fix" a game by building garrisons, but it also means I have to leave what I am doing like playing Anti-Tank or Engineer (my favorite role) and if I don't stay playing Officer, building garrisons, because the Commander cannot be the only one do it, nor should they be, because they are only one player on the board, it is a team effort, but I find myself drained because you do it enough you get not only bored but mad because no one will do it, and some times, lower level player expect the high level players to play such roles. I used to play Commander a lot, I found it fun to play because it can feel good to command an army, to lead it to victory, to think of the game like an RTS game, it is a good time when things are good but everyone expects the Commander to do everything, build every garrison and maybe even a have foresight, on how to win but sometimes it is not possible, which leads to my main point.

Some times things are just not what you want

 Well that is it. Some days you wonder, if the world you are living in is worth it, because it always wants to be as awful as it can be. This is not about giving up but about trying to find hope where if things are going to get better, it will not be within your lifetime, you are just the stepping stone to the next phase.

This last year, Twitter just reached the point, where I can no longer pretend that I can be there. In the last year I mostly used it for following artist but now I cannot feel comfortable doing that while being on the platform. I locked it down, made it so that anyone who follows me can see it, but no one else, a bit like an archive. I have always had an issue mass deleting something, that has been around for so long, but even now I think I should delete it.

I once was trying to bring my blog back, but when I did that the first time, after I made that post back in 2023, I did not continue it because I feel my heart was not in it and frankly what would I talk about? I am not so vain, to think that my ideas, are so important, that I need to write them out. But then I did that for years on Twitter just in a shorter form. So bring my blog back again, for real this time, will be something I will follow up on. I know that do not need to post, all the time, like I did on Twitter but every so often in a longer form and with more detailed thoughts. 

As of right now, I guess I would talk more about my readings about the Korean War, which I have spent almost a whole year doing, mostly video panels, some papers and the novel "The Frozen Hours" by Jeff Shaara based on the events of the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, learning about Gen. O.P. Smith, and just what the Marines went through. It's a great drama to read.

As of now that is all I have to say and will finish with this. Try to be nice and find hope but know that it is okay to feel sad and if you love someone, tell them that you are in love with them.

Sincerely,

Dollow Rlance.

Revival of a Blog

Its been a really long time since I made a post of this blog, but here I am to post something.

So the question of why have I returned to this blog is complicated, but in the interest of keeping it simple, I just wanted to make sure I had a personal space, in case something happened to my Twitter, which is my main place of interacting or blogging. I highly doubt I would leave Twitter, unless something really bad came about, because of that freakshow known as Elon Musk, in which case I would need somewhere to post my thoughts. One might wonder, why Blogspot? Why not some other SMS (Social Media Site) like Facebook, Instagram or something like that? Well I have profiles on those sites too, but they have very particular reasons for existing and none are for posting my thoughts really. Instagram is most for pictures, so I am not always in the mood to post pictures, Facebook is there for business and things of that nature, so it just seemed like the right time to bring back my blog, which even though I have lightly maintain the blog, I haven't really done anything of note for it since 2018.