It's been awhile since I last wrote, but I have not been feeling good at all in the last three plus months, but I will try and type what I feel in this moment right now. So after twenty years of living in my home, I will have to be moving, and that has given me a lot of anxiety, because I will be moving away from everything I have known, where I have grown up, places I know and my best friend. Granted my home is not my first home, when I was fifteen years old, I moved from my childhood home in Riverside California, and my feeling back then was that of a deep sadness too, even if it was not that far from from my old home, it was still a shock and a cut off from all my friends. This time, I will not have the option to even visit my old home, and my best friend will be gone from real life, and making new friends as an adult is not as easy as it is when I was a lot younger, and the few new friends that made were all through Yu-Gi-Oh playing at locals, which was my way to socialize with different peoples, and the support groups and shops who I knew and had good ties with will be gone too, they were now just good for business but they were also friends.
So with this move I am basically losing my whole world that I knew, and stepping into a new one, in a world that has gone half mad and is on its way of going completely mad. I wish I could stay. The idea of moving has also made me realize how lonely and isolated I am too. I never had a girlfriend or at least dated anyone, so I never got experience having a someone to love, share intimate feelings and just be content around them, A fact that has stuck with me as a feeling of shame or lacking as a human being, and so since I never had anyone like that I have as had to deal with my feeling on my own in one form or another, to keep myself in check and maintain that, even if I was lonely and sad, I never wanted to hurt anyone or anything, and that if I suffered, at least I was not hurting anyone, or degenerate into someone that hurts other just because they are bitter at the whole world.
Right now I still feel awful, sick to the point that I only eat once now in a whole day, and I am just afraid of everything. I don't have any feelings of hurting myself, but being awake always hurts now, and I want to cry at any given moment, and when I sleep have dreams of walking to nowhere, hard to remember but that is a detail I recall.
I don't know when I will write again, I am not going to make that promise again, because no matter how much I try, I cannot write when I do not want to write, at least not consistently. This blog has been around a long time, and I have come and gone with it based on my moods, because I always thought it was nice to have a diary, and I tried to have one in real life and it never worked out, and having one here, I guess this will be something where at least it says "I was here" even if it was for a moment.
Recommended movies: Runaway Bride and Good Will Hunting
Dollow Rlance
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